I know this is very,very late....but heck,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI,
MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

My raya was just okay.

Just that this year,a little special since we have the 'Anak Hantu' with us on our 1st and 2nd day.
Ewan,1st day raya je dah accident.Lucky thing he was okay...only the bumper of our car was damaged and the other party's car was a little dented.

Managed to visit my dad,unlike last year...

Looking at how age-ing he is,I realised that maybe it's about time I start visiting him often.Didn't managed to tag along with Dad doing visitings on his side as us trio,me,bro and Ewan had some other places to go with mom.
We didn't even managed to complete all house in just 1 day!

2nd Day...
Both me and Ewan had to divide our time.
1st half of the day with me and my family doing visitings,
the other half of the day with Ewan and his family doing their visitings.
It was chaotic for me.
I was cranky...which is nothing new.
Things got screwed up on Ewan's side...testing my patience plus I was having headache.
Macam mane agaknyer when we are married later...mesti ade difficulties dividing time to do visitings!
I didn't even have the mood to flick here and there.
But whatever it is,I had a good time.

Let's sidetrack a little...
Mom has been 'sick' since the fasting month...and that was the reason why I said my raya was just okay.Relatives have been telling me that she looked different,which I realised too...
But in this case,I don't know what can be done...besides berubat which doesn't even work.
Last night,she fainted at home after she drank the air zam-zam.And she even complaint that she felt 'different'.
I was sitting beside her and I had goosebumps lah okay.
Aku ni lemah semangat...but I have to be strong for her since I'm the eldest.
Now,all I hoped for is for her to get back to her normal self the soonest...
Insya'allah,amin...

Suddenly,I feel that 2009 has been a bad one for me.
But after my incident,after what happened to me and my relationship...the bonds between me,parents and siblings got even closer.
Ewan and my siblings...they are closer now too!
People always say...'segala ape yang terjadi,ade hikmah disebaliknye'...
And I always said to myself too that maybe all this will be a blessing in disguise.
Insya'allah...things will be better in times to come.

I gotta get to sleep now since it's already 7am!
Got visitings to do later.


Till then.

I had a good weekend last week.
Together with family,Ewan and Team Bravo.

Saturday,as planned weeks ago was iftar with the whole family at my uncle's place in JB.Ewan tagged along as he was supposed to be the one driving.But since Dad was not working,he drove instead.
We went by 2nd-link,stopped at Angsana to get kuihs and then to Uncle's place.
After iftar,we went Pandan City.
That place...dah macam Petaling Street lah okayyy!!!Only that I think Petaling Street is wayyyy better!
The drivers got lost while looking for us as we got off from the cars first while they lookout out for carpark.
It was super,super stuffy that I mandi sweat!And mom too pitam-pitam.
Left Pandan City,head home,got change and back to Ewan's place.

Since it was his birthday on the 13th Sept,I sleptover his place.
And as we were still in the car on the way back when the clock struck midnight,I had no choice but to wish him in the car itself,together with Mom,Dad and sister.
Birthday pon falls on a fasting day,there was nothing much we could do.Except that plan has been made.
Iftar with the Team Bravo at Kampon Chai Chee and then Geylang after.
Believe it or not...this year,I only went Geylang just that once!
I don't really have anything to buy as Mom have already sewed 3 baju's for me and sister.
Got him his kurungs and then left for home.

And yesterday,was iftar and K-Nite with the EVP-ians.
After months of not having fun,we met for iftar and discussed in regards to jalan raya.
Parted ways with them at 12am since something cropped up at home.

Now...now...
3 more days to raya...
damn fast or what???
Good thing I don't have much preparation to be done this year for myself.
Friday will be on half day...
Need to put up the curtains,mop the house and all.
Excited ader...not looking forward to raya pon ade!

Dahlah...
Got to go.
More pictures in FB or Multiply lah eh.


Till then.

Day 2.
And I still feel the pain.
There's still whispers telling me to pack my bags,leave him and move on with life.
And that he's not worth my time and all of my effort.
But I am trying to stay strong to forgive,to still stay in this relationship,guide him to change and be a better man for his ownself,for me and for our future.

I can never forget this pain caused till my last breathe even.
Last night,he came and apologized to my mom for what he did to me.

Last 2 night,he even sweared infront of his mom to changed and not do it again.

After all this,I so much hope he means it this time.

This will really,really take a long time for me to forget no matter how much I've tried not to think of what he did.

"Ewan,I'm still trying to kuatkan my semangat and tabahkan diri,to go through this phase,just because i still love you...
Bersyukurlah dengan ape yang ade...
&
Menyesal sekarang,sebelom terlambat sayang..."

What happened yesterday,was a really BIG,BIG BLOW to me.

I felt so blardy like fuck and I've never felt this bad before in my life.

I cried...for the whole bloody night,couldn't even sleep trying to overcome those shits.

I don't even understand to why I can even bring myself to forgive,and still stayed.

The scar is really,really a deep cut...

I don't think I will ever forget what happened.

I'm still lost.

I'm still in a daze.

I'm still traumatized.

I have always hope for the best in us...but he destroyed it.

What wrong have I done that I deserved this?

It's very,very painful...

I'm still crying...up till today...thinking and thinking.

I'm still hoping for the best after this.

Insya'allah...

Yet another problem arises.
One after another.
I've already know something is wrong when my Brother texted me.
And I was shaken,trembling and my heartbeat went too fast.
I just can't believe it.
I don't know who to believe.
But if really this is true...I'm sorry but I have to really pack my bags,leave and forget about getting married.
It's not worth staying...
For now,I shall just wait for the updates from my brother.

*i am praying hard that he's innocent and that it's all in the past*


Till then.

Now...now...

Say 'Hi' to the 'new addition' in the family.

And his name is Gemok,just 3 months old.

Mom,pandai-pandai adopted him,without us knowing.Just for the sake of the 2 small boys,Amir and Aufa.

Gemok just shift to my place today and he has yet to adapt to the new environment.

Don't even wanna go out from his cage.

Tsk!

I have yet to hold Gemok in my arms which I don't even know if I can even do that.
Coz aku ni penakot and penggeli dengan binatang!

Especially the perot part and the furs!

haha!

I've told mom,if she were to let Gemok out from his cage,better do it when I'M NOT HOME.

Or else,I'll run around the house.

Haha!

I hope I can get use to it sooner or later.

Till then.

I was very,very upset yesterday with him.

I cried and cried the whole day till my eyes got swollen.Keluar pegi buke pon dengan mate bengkak jugak!

I can't help it as I was too disappointed in him.

Whatsmore bile orang tu dah pandai tipu,no matter how small that lie was,or how not important that lie was.

But to me,lying is still lying!

From small minor lies tu lah can go to big major lies.

I really don't know what the hell is happening to him.

Makin lame,makin terok pulak perangai.

Kalau macam ni,I wanna get married pon I have to think twice when he himself don't know what is wrong with him.

Ape ni???

Berkali-kali I've said...ikotkan hati,I wanna walk out of this relationship.

Yes,I know...this are parts and parcels in a relationship.But there are things that can be change.

I'm just sick and tired of everything!

Aku penat...penat having to keep telling him to change and this and that.

Urghhhh...just when will this end?

On another note,mom has been complaining she feels numb on her left side of her face since few days ago.

I'm worried.

She's worried too that it can be angin ahmar.

She'll be goin to the doctor to check tomorrow.

I am really hoping so much that it's nothing.

Now I shall get my ass to the bathroom and shower,and then get ready for breakfast although aku nie tak puase!

Till then.

Today,marks the 12th month we are together since we patched things up.
12 months of 'i love you',
12 months of 'i hate you'
12 months of on and off anger,
12 months of roller coaster rides,
12 months of having me,always losing my temper,
12 months of me,always wanting to end our relationship,
&
12 months of more of the goods and bads in our relationship.

But I'm thankful,despite all of the above,we are still together.
To some,12 months is just a short period of time.
But to us,being in love since the end of 2006,got engaged 7 months later,broke up 3 months after we got engaged and then patched things up last year,is really tough for us to go through.
This has been a really long rough journey for us.

And I'm glad,having to go through all that,we have decided to settle down...insya'allah.

Therefore,
Happy 1st year Anniversary sweetheart!
May we have many-many more anniversaries to come...


Till then.

Today marks the 12th day we are fasting and time is passing too fast.
It's already September.
Alhamdulillah...this year I managed to fast,baru buang 3 hari,unlike the past 2 years,hari-hari aku buang,except for opening and closing.
aku puase pon weight tak turon,turon!
I wanted to lose weight so much!
And I thought maybe after raya,I wanna try Duramin.
Many said there's alot of side effects,but it works.
I don't know...I'll see the situation later.

Last night,mum received a call from aunt saying that Gran's sister (i dunno older or younger),was admitted to hospital,in ICU.
Doctors said there's nothing can be done.
Just that her maid said,the past few days before she got admitted,dier 'meracau',asking her late husband and mother to wait for her.
*goosebumps*
But whatever it is,hari baik bulan baik,we will all pray for her...insya'llah,amin.

On another note,Ewan's birthday is just next week.
I still have no idea of what to get and what to do since we are on a tight budget for the big day.
Just that I think we'll just celebrate it at JB on Saturday since we'll be break-fasting at my uncle's house together with the family.

Tarian training today.
Still trying my best to catch up with the steps!
Very,very forgetful!!!

9 more months to go...


Till then.